Family Law Collaborative Divorce Blog : Bath Divorce Solicitors : Sharp Family Law : UK Collaborative Law & Family Mediation : Bristol, Swindon & Southern England

The lead article on front page of The Times Newspaper on Wednesday 12th August 2009 caught my eye - “Recession starts to threaten home life” was the bold heading and it ran

Britain faces a surge in drug addition, alcoholism and domestic violence as the second wave of the recession and rising unemployment take a grip...

The prediction comes from The Audit Commission, an independent public sector watchdog who reports that Britain is still in the first phase of this recession, predominantly economic in nature, but is about to face the second, social phase identified by long-term unemployment, housing, health and domestic problems. It says “With families and individuals under stress, most areas are likely to witness increasing social problems including domestic violence, alcoholism, drug addiction and young people unable to find work.”

Billy Joel’s lyric “They started to fight when the money got tight” is unfortunately evident close to home. Amanda Foyster, General Manager of Relate Mid-Wiltshire recently told me that an increase in domestic violence in parts of Wiltshire had been reported, caused in part by people feeling under enormous economic pressure.

One such source of that pressure, expressed to counsellors at Relate Mid-Wiltshire, is a feeling amongst couples that they are unable to afford to create and move into separate housing following a relationship breakdown. They can’t really afford to do anything but persist in an unhappy situation. They feel trapped and unable to do what they want to get out of it. The frustration that that causes parents generates tension within the family that inevitable impacts all not least the children within it.

In the good financial times, 1 in 5 adult cases handled by Relate Mid-Wiltshire had its roots in financial difficulties. Now that proportion has increased creating considerable stress within families. In response, Relate Mid-Wiltshire is growing the work it does with families and can offer Counselling for Young People, and Family Counselling as well as Relationship Counselling. The Bath Relate Centre also offers Family and Relationship Counselling.

Relate on it's website is currently asking "How is the recession affecting you and your family?" In it's recession questionnaire it says:

During the recession we know that family relationships can be affected differently. Relate would like to hear your family’s experience – is stress causing you to argue more? Are you keeping financial worries from your partner? Alternatively is it bringing you closer as a family?

Relate would like to share these anonymous stories to show how the recession is affecting people’s home life.

As a past Trustee of Relate, I know the valuable work that they do to help families, parents and young people in their family life. With counselling and mediation Relate can support you and your children through these economically difficult times. 

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 A divorce may have been contemplated for a while; it’s been on the cards and an unspoken probability. Your children may have sensed that not all was well between their parents. They have overheard talk of a separation and might suspected something is about to happen. But the news that a divorce is going to take place in their family can still come as a great shock to them.

Recently, I received the following from a parent who had decided to tell to his child that Mum and Dad can't live together anymore:  

 I did take our daughter aside last night and asked her mother to come in too. I spoke to her and said ‘all the right things’ but it proved gut wrenchingly miserable – to see her put a brave face on it and allow tears to roll down her face without saying anything other than to ask if we will all be together for Christmas leaves me bereft.

This loving father along with many other mum’s and dad’s never want to cause their children distress. So something as difficult as telling children about parental separation can be a real worry and a painful and difficult event for all. With one in four children in the UK now involved in their parent’s divorce during their childhood this is a situation that I am constantly coming across.

How do I tell our children we are divorcing? Do I tell them individually or all together? What do I tell them and what do I not tell them? Where? When? etc … Help in finding answers to some or all of these questions can increasingly be found from on-line. The following are a couple of websites that my clients have found helpful.

Resolution, is an organisation of 5700 lawyers, who believe in a constructive, non-confrontational approach to family law matters. It has recently added a whole section to its website that provides Advice for parents. Under the heading Supporting your children, it covers Talking to your children about your divorce , How to listen to your children , Managing the negative impact of divorce for children. In other pages you can find key information to help you make a positive difference for your children, as well as details of Resolution's new parent workshops which aim to help parents manage the impact of their divorce or separation for their children.

Divorce coach and parent educator Christina McGhee has a list of tips for talking to your children about divorce on her website and blog.

Further helpful information for parents can also be found on:

• www.oneparentfamilies.org.uk provides information and fact sheets for parents who are separating or parenting apart.
• www.parentlineplus.org.uk provides a range of publications for all parents.
• The Centre for Separated Families has an email advice service dealing with a range of issues

The message that is broadcasted by all of these sites is that children need to be reassured that you will forever be their parents. You will always be their mum or their dad and just because the two of you can no longer live together does not mean that you love them any less. They will always be your children and you will always love them.

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The telephone call was typical of many that I receive as a divorce lawyer at Sharp Family Law based in Bath, UK. After 12 years of marriage and a disastrous summer holiday with their two young daughters, which had not been helped by the unpredictable English weather, Ruth and Alex were separating. Ruth had called to make the appointment and after we had agreed on the arrangements, I encouraged her to elaborate on why it was that she wanted to see me.

Ruth’s call wasn’t a whim. It had followed months of uncertainty, confusion and fear, a summer holiday to get through, for the sake of the children, and the new school year to prepare for and organise. Ruth was worried about Alex’s reaction to a separation, could he cut her off without a penny, would he take the children and run, should she take pre-emptory action?.

As I heard her anxieties and ever increasing “what if’s”, I realised that Ruth and Alex had all the familiar ingredients for a volatile and bitter divorce that would not only financially and emotionally cost them hugely, but also affect their children. How easy it was going to be for their children to get caught in the middle of the emotional and business complications that their parents were going through. The one thing Ruth said that I hoped would ring true was that she and Alex loved their children and wanted to put them first even though their marriage was coming apart.

Putting children first is a common goal of many separating and divorcing parents. But it can often get lost in the web of complicated emotions triggered by a broken relationship and exasperated by a court battle. 

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