Family Law Collaborative Divorce Blog : Bath Divorce Solicitors : Sharp Family Law : UK Collaborative Law & Family Mediation : Bristol, Swindon & Southern England

Amongst the 10 Bizarre Divorce Settlements Mental_Floss reminded us that to help foot the bill for his 1977 divorce from Anna Gordy, the singer Marvin Gaye agreed to record a new album and give all of the royalties to Gordy as maintenance.

Princess Diana lost the title “Her Royal Highness” when she and Prince Charles divorced in 1996 but amongst other things it was agreed that she retain Kensington Palace, her jewellery and the ability to entertain at st James’s Palace with the Queen’s permission.

The actor David Hasselhoff’s as part of his 2008 divorce settlement with ex-wife Pamela Bach, kept possession of the nickname “Hoff” and the catchphrase “Don’t Hassle the Hoff.”

Not only are the lives of the rich and famous complicated but so are many others that separate and divorce. Paul and Deborah’s marriage of 19 years ended in divorce last year. Before the settlement, Paul wanted to minimise the changes for the family. Deborah wanted to stay in the family home but was worried about the costs of keeping it going. Paul and Deborah agreed the family should stay in the home until the children finished their schooling and Paul would pay for any maintenance and repairs to it until then. When the house was sold, Paul’s maintenance expenses would be deducted from the proceeds.

The children got to continue their regular routine, Deborah didn’t have to budget for costly repair works and Paul will receive recognition for his financial support. Identifying what was most important to this couple was crucial. The court would not have been able to make such a mutually satisfactory arrangement without the cooperation of the couple.

Mark and Linda were married for 25 years. He had been the primary wage-earner, she the homemaker. Mark wanted to cut back on the hours he worked and freedom from potentially lifelong support payments. Linda wanted a settlement that reflected the sacrifices she had made to support Mark in his profession and raise their children. She also wanted his support whilst she re-trained.

Face to face negotiations helped to ease tensions between them as they both recognized and acknowledged the contributions that each had made to the marriage. By taking out loans, Mark made a lump sum payment to Linda that enabled her to return to school and train for her own career. He was pleased that she would shortly be able to support herself and relieved not to be making support payments at a time when he wanted to cut back on his hours. A court might have imposed spousal support payments that would have hindered Mark’s career change and impeded Linda’s ability to invest in her future.

Both Paul and Carol, and Mark and Linda were able to negotiate the divorce settlement that worked for them and their families by using the dispute resolution process called Collaborative Practice. It helps separating and divorcing couples:

• To think creatively and craft their own individualised solutions to their issues instead of the restricted range of outcomes available in the divorce court system.

• To use their intelligence and energy toward creative problem solving rather than toward recriminations or revenge – fixing the problem rather than fixing the blame.

 • To keep control of decisions about restructuring financial and child rearing arrangements in their hands and not those of a Judge.

• To take control over what happens, how fast it happens, who is involved and ensures that those who are, including their solicitors, work only towards a mutually satisfactory settlement. Everyone has an input and brainstorming and creative ideas can emerge to resolve differences and issues.

Your divorce settlement may not need to be as bizarre as some highlighted by Mental Floss but no court will be better able than you to create and craft a settlement that works for your family.

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"The contact schedule has it that our 3 year old son stays with me on a Tuesday and Thursday night.  So he should be with me on the Thursday night in two weeks time. My Ex-partner insists he be with her - Why? Because, it will be Christmas Day that Friday morning. We both want him to wake up and open his presents in our separate homes!"

The dilemma over with whom children spend Christmas morning taxes all too often Judges at this time of year, as separated and divorced parents fight over the date in the divorce courts. The ensuing judgment leaves few contented, not least the unfortunate children, as wonderfully illustrated in the Dear Santa letter posted on Judith’s Divorce Blog

The Parents of the 3 year old son, worked out with their family lawyers through a Collaborative Practice dispute resolution process, that it was the joy of watching their son open his presents that they missed the most. So, they agreed to meet on Christmas Eve to open presents together. The contact schedule remained in place, and the child had both his parents with him as he opened presents.  

The greatest gift you can give your child in 2010 and beyond is to love your children more than you hate your spouse and work cooperatively with the other parent to co-parent your children

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The value of Sandy and Rob’s house had fallen in the recession. The prospect of acquiring one let alone two alternative homes was no longer possible. My client Rob (a fictional name) feared that, along with the broken marriage, he would lose his job and with it his mortgage capacity. Sandy hadn’t worked in ten years and the cost of child care worried her.

“They started to fight when the money got tight, and they just didn’t count on the tears”are lyrics from the song “Scenes from an Italian Restaurant” by Billy Joel in his 1977 album “The Stranger”. But must it always end in tears? Must differences over scarce and limited financial resources be determined by divorce court room battles?

Not always. Sandy and Rob, along with other separating and divorcing couples are increasingly discovering that there are lawyers and other experts with specialist knowledge and experience of divorce, who offer less destructive dispute resolution processes. One such process is Collaborative Practice.

• It helps couples to create their own individualised solutions to their issues instead of the restricted range of outcomes available in the divorce court system.

• It encourages couples to use their intelligence and energy toward creative problem solving rather than toward recriminations or revenge – fixing the problem rather than fixing the blame.

• It keeps control of decisions about restructuring financial and child rearing arrangements in the hands of the couple and not the Judge.

• It places a premium on the welfare of children and protects them from the harm associated with litigated disputes between parents.

Sandy and Rob, in meetings with their collaborative family lawyers, worked through their fears and emerged with a divorce settlement that would work for them and their family. The collaborative professionals helped them to focus on settling their needs and interests, instead of pursuing their rights and entitlements. Choosing the right process in the beginning can save separating and divorcing couples time, money and tears in the long term.

Billy Joel continues his song “....they got a divorce as a matter of course and they parted the closest of friends”.That ideal may not always be possible but how a couple chooses to divorce can impact them and their children for years to come.

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“I share Christmas. So on Christmas Eve I am with my mum, then with my dad on Christmas Day. Then the other Christmas I go to my dad’s on Christmas Eve and then I spend Christmas Day with my mum. That is how we share it. And Grandma comes over” (Boy aged 8 years).

Christmas highlights to us all the emotional significance of “family”. We look to forge, renew or strengthen those ties that we value the most at this time of year. For the family of divorced parents, deciding where anyone will be and with whom over Christmas can be particularly difficult and challenging. The non residential or absent parent will often want more time with their children at Christmas than at other times of the year. The resident parent can want to maintain the old family traditions that retain the children with them. All too often, family solicitors and Divorce Courts are engaged at best to negotiate or mediate between parents and at worst to dictate to them where and when children will be, and with whom.

But does Christmas have to be a difficult time for a divorced family? Here are five suggests that may ease the tension

1.  Do plan early – Plan the arrangements for the Christmas holiday as early as possible. Stress about it only increases the closer the day looms. If agreement cannot be reached, involve a mediator or a collaboratively trained family law solicitor, who focus on helping separated and divorced parents to find solutions that work for them and their families. Resort only to the Divorce Court as a last resort.

2.  Do put your children first – The Christmas season is centred on children. So focus on them. Ask yourself what you can do to ensure the holidays are happy and productive for them. If old enough, talk to your children about the traditions they would like to continue and with whom - Finding a Christmas tree with dad or decorating the cake with mum.

3.  Do share time with children over the Christmas period – Christmas is a time when families can focus on what unites rather than what divides them. Unless parents live miles apart, there is no reason why children cannot see and be with both parents over the Christmas holiday. See what you can work out, remembering always to do what is in the best interest of your children

4.  Do let children remain in contact with both parents and their extended family – When it isn’t possible for one parent to see the children for whatever reason, do let them call that parent to say “Happy Christmas”. Grandparents, Uncles and Aunts etc are also an integral part of a child’s life and provide continuity and security in the face of the changed family structure.

5.  Do be flexible – “Madonna let’s Guy see his boys...on terms” was the newspaper headline. The singer was reported to have issued a list of demands that Guy Ritchie must meet when their children were with him. Everyone loses when that happens and it’s the children who feel it the most. How Christmas is organised by divorced parents can provide children with some hope that their parents can and will be able to work things out during and for the rest of the year.

Thoughts of Christmas and divorce many not immediately stir feelings of peace and joy but Christmas is a time when family connections can be prioritised and its divisions relegated. By focusing on planning ahead, being flexible and putting children first, divorced parents can help children and themselves enjoy Christmas and have happy memories of it together.

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