Family Law Collaborative Divorce Blog : Bath Divorce Solicitors : Sharp Family Law : UK Collaborative Law & Family Mediation : Bristol, Swindon & Southern England

During my years of practice as a family and divorce solicitor in Bath and Bristol, I have seen many parents whose greatest concern was how a divorce would affect their children and who wanted direction on how to minimise that affect.

Christina McGhee, internationally acclaimed divorce coach and parent educator writes – “Divorce does not doom children to years of emotional problems or lifelong dysfunction. Exposure to constant parental conflict and unhealthy family situations, however, can significantly impact children's lives in a negative way.”

Family Courts in Bath, Bristol and elsewhere in the South West of England are busy determining parental conflict and unhealthy family situations. They daily see the significant and negative impact on children's brought about by their parents.

The following guidance, recently issued on behalf of all Family Judges and Family Magistrates who conduct family proceedings in the South West of England, is designed to help minimise that impact by giving parents direction on how they can help their children

Your children need to:

• Have explained to them by you calmly and fairly what is happening to their family so that they understand what is happening
• Know that they are not being separated from either of you and that you will encourage each other to have a loving and open relationship with them
• Be able to show love, affection and respect for both of you without being torn between you

Your children need your help by:

• Listening to what they have to say or how they feel about your separation and about any arrangements which you are making or have made.
• Talking to the other parent openly, honestly and respectfully.
• Drawing up a plan as to how you will sort out arrangements and share responsibility for them.
• Not talking about difficult issues concerning them in front of them.

Your children should never:

• Blame themselves for the breakup of your relationship with each other.
• Hear you criticise each other or anyone else involved.
• Be turned against the other parent because they think that is what you want

• Email This
• Print
• Comments
• Trackbacks

Prepared by His Honour Judge Coleridge, issued on behalf of all Family Judges and Family Magistrates who conduct family proceedings in the South West of England and promoted by District Judge Goddard of the Bath County Court is the following: 'Guidance for Parents' .

The guidance is designed to help parents reach decisions about what is best for their children and to explain to parents what Family Courts expect from them.

It is hoped that the guidance will be passed to and considered by all parents prior to making an application to the Family Court in Bath and elsewhere.

The court wants you to consider these things first:

• As a parent you share responsibility for your children.
• You have a responsibility to talk to each other and make every effort to agree how you will bring them up
• Even when you separate this responsibility continues.
• Experience suggests that where parents agree things about their children this works better than court orders. So try to agree arrangements for your children.
• If you find talking to each other difficult ask for help. Trained mediators can help you talk to each other to find solutions, even when things are hard. You can ring the Ministry of Justice Family Mediation helpline on 0845 6026 627 or visit the website at www.familymediationhelpline.co.uk for information or the court staff will give you details.
• If you have tried to agree but cannot, you can ask the court to decide what should happen.
• The court will make its decision based on what is in the best interests of the children.
• If a court order is made you must do what it says even if you do not agree with it. If you want to do something different you can agree to do so but if you cannot agree you will need to apply to court so that the court can consider making a different order.

The court expects you to make decisions based on what is best for your children so:

• Encourage your child to have a good relationship with both of you.
• Arrange for your children to spend time with each of you.
• Try to have a reasonable relationship with each other as parents of your children

The court expects you to do what is best for your children even if it is difficult or not what you want:

• The law says that children have a right to a relationship and regular contact with each parent unless it is not in the children’s best interests. Usually contact will be frequent and meaningful for the child and the parent
• It is extremely rare for a court to order no contact but a court may restrict or deny contact if it considers that a child’s physical safety or emotional health is at risk.
• Stopping contact because for instance you feel you are not getting enough money from the other parent to look after the child is not a good reason to stop contact.

• Email This
• Print
• Comments
• Trackbacks

An absent father of a six year old child wrote to me recently - “I want to be involved as much as possible in my son’s life. I’m happy to provide what support to his Mum as I’m able within the constraints imposed by my work and the realities of living somewhere different”

But as the “every other weekend and a two week summer holiday contact” formula with his son was what he feared would be his lot, his “involvement as much as possible” was translated into a demand that his son do spend 50% of his time with him. A demand driven by emotion - and not by what was either practical or necessarily best for anyone, including the son.

The reality is that only a relatively small number of parents can manage an equal time arrangement. It requires proximity to and a co-parenting relationship with the other parent, a flexible work schedule, and two households able to accommodate children.

In my practice as a family and divorce solicitor in Bath and Bristol, in contrast to the disappearing parent (frequently the father) of yesteryear, I am seeing an increasing number of separated and divorced fathers wanting to spend more time with their children. An encouraging sign as the majority of children consistently report in studies that they too would like more involvement from their non-resident parent (again frequently the father).

But, is it not the “Quality” rather than the “Quantity” that the involvement should be about?

As research has found, how often fathers see children is less important than what fathers do when they are with their children. Paul Amato & Joan Gilbreth found in “Non-resident Fathers and Children’s Wellbeing: a Meta-analysis” that authoritative parenting and emotional closeness made more of a difference.

Authoritative parenting includes: helping with homework, talking about problems, providing emotional support to children, praising children’s accomplishments and disciplining their misbehaviour.

Family Courts in England & Wales are busy determining quantity of contact - when and where children do spend time with their non-resident parent - without often being able to tackle how the contact time should be spent. By focusing on the interests of the whole family and having the opportunity to involve Child Specialists and Family Consultants/Divorce Coaches, out of court dispute resolution processes like Family Mediation and Collaborative Law do help separating and divorcing parents shape contact schedules that address both the quantity and the quality of contact.

A divorced parent, who after working through a Collaborative Law process recently wrote the following to me - “The kids have settled into the new routine of life. Overall they seem happy and well adjusted. My ex and I remain flexible with our childcare arrangements”.

It maybe aspirational to think that disputes over the contact between a non-resident parent and child will always be resolved this well. However, if more divorcing parents could be encouraged to concentrate on continuing to be authoritative and loving parents and less on fighting each other over time slots with their children, then perhaps they would achieve the result they want and end up being more involved in their children’s lives.

• Email This
• Print
• Comments
• Trackbacks

As 140,000 or so married couples in England & Wales discover every year, breaking up is hard to do. With the average cost of a litigious divorce being put at £28,000, it can also be financially crippling. Fortunately, few need pay the multi-million pound legal bills and settlements that the media tells us about when the likes of Sir Paul McCartney and other celebs divorce. But dissolving any marriage frequently comes with steep financial costs.

Recent research by Norwich Union (now Aviva) revealed that failed marriages cost the nation a massive £4.3 billion - with almost two-thirds (£2.5 billion) being funded by the personal savings of divorcing couples.

However, there are steps that can be taken to ease the financial burden of breaking up.

First, manage your expectations of the law by focusing on settlement

An estimated 90% of divorce cases are settled without a final court hearing. And there is a good reason for that. One of the most costly illusions in divorce is that the court will take care of you. A wise and kindly Judge will right wrongs. But Justice is not an absolute, Judges are not all powerful. Judge’s decisions are rarely a win-win for both spouses. Instead, you are the one who can make the best decisions in your divorce.

Try and resist the impulse to have “your day in court” be the focus of your divorce. Instead, seek to work with your solicitor and your spouse towards a settlement without involving the courts. By first looking at your mutual interests, like your children, you might find you agree on more than you think. Sharp Family Law and other Family Law solicitors that I work with in Bath and Bristol have specialised knowledge on how to promote settlement out of court including family mediation and collaborative law. These settlements options provide affordable and high value outcomes for you and your family.

Most divorces are settled out of court. Don’t expect “your day in court” to be the solution for your future. Your future can be in your hands – not the courts

Second, manage your emotions by focusing on what is most important

Divorce is riddled with potential legal and financial complications. But how you let your emotions affect those complications can impact significantly on the overall cost of your divorce. You can help reduce them by having clear objectives from the outset. Discuss with your Family Law solicitor what you hope to accomplish, what results you can expect and what the costs might be. Have your goals top of mind at all time.

Divorce is an extremely demanding and painful experience. Emotions run high and the desire to vent feelings is strong. But don’t be tempted to use your solicitor as a sounding board for your complaints. Time spent in emotional communications with your divorce solicitor could impact the cost of your divorce. I try and help clients manage the emotions of divorce by working with Bath and Bristol based divorce coaches, counsellors and family therapists.

Have clear objectives and focus on what is and will be important to you and your family.

Third, manage your finances by having a plan

In addition to being a time of deep emotional distress, divorce is a business transaction. Try and think about it as a business deal. Get to know your financial situation. You will need to know what are your financial assets and debts, your monthly income and outgoings and any financial commitments. Make sure you have the papers about them. Be clear with your Family Law solicitor what he/she needs from you.

I work with financial advisors in and around Bath, who are recognised as specialists in handling the complex financial issues that face divorcing couples. These professionals help clients make informed decisions about their financial future.

Keep your emotions as far as possible from the financial and legal decision making processes.

And finally, every divorce involves three intertwined components – Legal, emotional and financial. How you manage all three, will determine the cost of your divorce.

• Email This
• Print
• Comments
• Trackbacks