Family Law Collaborative Divorce Blog : Bath Divorce Solicitors : Sharp Family Law : UK Collaborative Law & Family Mediation : Bristol, Swindon & Southern England

Walking away from an argument can be a warning sign of divorce.

This is the finding of researchers at the University of Michigan after evaluating how 373 couples resolved conflicts.After 16 years, 48% of the couples had split – and a strong predictor of divorce was the tendency of one partner to withdraw during an argument while the other tried to discuss the situation even calmly. Study author Kira Birditt Ph.D. is stated in Men’s Health to have said that leaving the scene can be viewed by the other person as a lack of investment in the relationship, not as a way to cool down.

Unless checked, the communication gap that led to a failed marriage can also lead to a litigious divorce.

Rarely as a specialist family law solicitor in Bath and Bristol have I seen a litigation process help parties communicate better. Nor have I seen it encourage settlement discussions between them until late in the day and often only at the door of the court. Even then communication and negotiation are invariably undertaken out of fear of the pending courtroom showdown or the uncertain judgment outcome.

There is virtually nothing about most litigation processes that help parties feel remotely relaxed and safe, nor wanting to get together to create a problem solving environment. Instead the adversarial attitude and mentality polarizes parties making settlement more difficult to achieve.

A goal of the Collaborative Divorce process is to create an environment in which couples can feel comfortable remaining together within it, able to communicate all issues between them, and reach solutions that work for them. It does this by:

• Encouraging participants to commit to civil, respectful and constructive communications. Just having them stated in the process helps defuse past and present emotions.
• Focusing solely on settlement from the outset. The collaborative divorce process helps parties increase the chances that they will reach that settlement
• Involving communication facilitators, including divorce coaches and family consultants. The support provided by them can often help avoid or overcome impasses and help redirect conflict away from the individual and at the problem to be resolved

The Collaborative Divorce process is not appropriate for all divorcing couples and certainly will not guarantee better communication between them thereafter. However, for couples who have had difficulty communicating during the marriage and want to avoid prolonged conflict thereafter the Collaborative Divorce can provide a less destructive process.

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Screens will be filled once again this Christmas with stories of love in all its various guises and on a multitude of levels. The 2003 Christmas film “Love Actually” followed eight very different couples as they dealt with their love lives in various loosely and interrelated tales all set during a frantic month before Christmas in London.

The film argued quite rightly that there is a great deal of love in our world including Bath, London and Wisconsin. But the film also reminded us that not everyone gets a Merry Christmas. A single present plucked from under the tree changes a life forever. A wedding video that shows only close-ups of the bride’s face reveals a hopeless passion.

A few years ago RELATE the relationship people, commissioned a NOP survey that revealed that Britons value their relationships above all else at Christmas. Yet, the experience of many family lawyers is an increase in calls for advice and assistance in connection with broken relationships during January and beyond – after the season of goodwill, when many hopes of togetherness and fulfillment have been dashed.

The same NOP survey claimed that 73% of us rate “spending time with family and loved ones” as the most important aspect of the Christmas holiday. But, the closeness we hope for does not just appear under the tree on Christmas Day. Our good intentions of talking more and spending time together often get pushed aside by the stresses and strains that is the modern Christmas.

The NOP survey found that Britons nationwide find “buying the right present” the most difficult Christmas task, with 59% saying they found it stressful. Other Christmas time stress induces were “spending too much money” – 54% with 39% of the population getting stressed about “not being able to spend enough time with family”. Worrying about buying the right present seems to be more of a problem for women, then men and spending too much money is again a female and young person’s thing. Other issues cited as causes of stress during Christmas were “people drinking too much”, “too much cooking and cleaning”, “children’s demands for expensive presents” and “having the in-laws to dinner or stay”.

Therefore, now is perhaps the time to prepare for Christmas by considering for a moment what we want our relationships to be. Talking it over with the people we love, exploring hopes and expectations, looking at what works and what doesn’t. In addition to buying the turkey, decorating the Christmas tree and wrapping the presents, think about 

• What your family might want to get out of Christmas this year,
• Recognise how each member of your family is changing and discuss and plan how you all want to spend Christmas together.
• Talk about how the time will be spent, make an effort to understand the position of others.
• Talk realistically and well in advance of Christmas about spending.
• If someone has planned a surprise for you, appreciate the effort and thought behind it.

The aging rock star in Love Actually recognised in time for Christmas the value of the relationship that he had and the importance of expressing Love. All personal relationships need to be worked at especially at Christmas. 

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