Family Law Collaborative Divorce Blog : Bath Divorce Solicitors : Sharp Family Law : UK Collaborative Law & Family Mediation : Bristol, Swindon & Southern England

The summer holidays encourage many of us to travel abroad, find a getaway and soak up the sun for a week or two with the family. But for some the trip abroad is for much longer and the consequences are not just sunburn.

Two recent telephone calls to my office in Bath and Bristol highlight the impact that an intended permanent move abroad can have on a separating or divorced family.

The first is from a divorced father - “My ex-wife wishes to move to the Irish Republic taking our 10 year old daughter with her. She has accepted a new job and plans to leave the UK before the next school term begins. She has said that I can visit our daughter once a month and she could also visit me once a month. I cannot agree to this as my daughter is only just getting to grips with our divorce. We have a very strong bond and I promised that I would never leave her and would do all I could to live near her….. “

Another call came from a Norwegian woman married to an Englishman for the past 5 years. Having always said that she wanted their two children aged 4 & 2 to grow up in Norway, she thought they had an understanding about moving to Norway. But "...he now says that he never said he would agree to a move to Norway only that he would seriously consider it! …. I am NOT happy about this. I want to move back to Norway with our children… “

Two heart-rending cases with possible drastic implications for both families. It is this that lies at the heart of the court's dilemma when faced with determining who should go and who should stay.

The stark reality more often is that whatever happens, someone is going to emotionally suffer. How then do the courts decided these cases?

A very useful review of recent law governing the relocation of children abroad and within the UK is provided by Jacqui Gilliatt, a barrister at the Chambers of 4, Brick Court, in London. In her article entitled “I’m Leaving on a Jet Plane, Don't Know When I’ll Be Back Again: Can I Take The Children With Me?”  first published in Family Law Week – Jacqui examines the law on relocating children to other countries and how the courts have been approaching such cases. There is also advice on the approach that both the resident and non-resident parent should take in pursuing or defending such cases.

I helped the non-resident father from Bristol to secure contact conditions with his 12 year old daughter that worked for them, the mother and wider family, with undertakings etc to maximise contact. Funds were spent on modern technology, web-cams, Skype, Ryanair and ensuring contact took place and not on litigation. The Norwegian mother and her husband are talking through their issues with a Family Therapist in Bath

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Two weeks in the sun sounds fun with the family but can represent a challenge for many separated and divorced parents. Divorce Court Orders frequently provide contact for the annual summer break with the Kids, leaving dates to be agreed between the parents.

When parents can't agree, I and other family law solicitors help to negotiate or mediate arrangements between separated parents or take unresolved disputes back to the Divorce Court for it to dictate where, when and with whom children will be over the summer.

In two blog posts - “Preparing for the Summer” and “Surviving the Summer” Christina McGhee, internationally acclaimed divorce coach and parent educator gives tips on how to ensure the summer sun isn’t overshadowed by family fall outs and legal confrontations. I have drawn out the following three Do’s and Don’ts that I have seen can make the differnce for my clients in Bath & Bristol:

• Do plan early and commit to decisions made - Plan the arrangements for the summer holidays as early as possible. If you commit to doing something make sure it is followed through. Last minute clashes and changes are not easy to resolve. Children need their parents to make decisions and to stick to them

• Do support your child’s contact with the other parent – Be positive about your child spending time with their other parent. Let the children know it is OK with you that they are going away and that you will be OK too whilst they are away. It’s best for kids when both parents can be supportive of their activities and share in their excitement.

• Do help children maintain contact with the other parent – Provide the other parent with contact information and details as to where the children are going to be and who with. Let the children communicate with the other parent whilst away.

And

• Don’t talk through the children - It is tempting to relay information through the children when talking with the ex is difficult. But messaging between households is a burden children shouldn’t have to bear. Make sure you are the one delivering news about trips you are proposing to take and scheduling needs surrounding them.

• Don’t ambush the other parent - When making holiday plans, don’t set the other parent up. “I would really love for you to come with me to Spain, but it’s really up to your Mum to say yes” is neither fair on the child nor Mum. Instead, “A trip abroad would be lots of fun but before we can make plans, I need to talk with Mum to see if we can work out the details.”

• Don’t make your kids pay the price - If you make a decision to foot the holiday bill or move your schedule around to make a trip work, don’t make your kids pay the price. Whilst a trip abroad may be a wonderful experience for the child, it probably won’t be so wonderful for very long if the child has to listen to what Dad did or didn’t do to help. Children do not want to take sides – don’t make them.

And finally …..Conflict is the major cause of unhappiness and poor outcomes for children. Let’s have family fun in the sun this summer by focusing on the needs of children.

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“She would love me to disappear from our son’s life. I have been resisting this but any contact with him has been very much on her terms and rules”…. a comment made by a distressed father from Bath, to me, whilst experiencing the syndrome known as “Parent Alienation”. A term given to the deliberate attempt by one parent to distance his/her children from the other parent. The motivation is to destroy the parental bond between his/her children with the other parent.

Today, 25th April 2010 is Parental Alienation Awareness Day in the USA. A day, equally relevant and needed in the UK and in my home city of Bath.

“I think it unlikely that he will promote and encourage the boys’ relationship with their mother”.. and the response to that is often “I’m prepared to “fight” by whatever legal means necessary to ensure I have contact. I expect a great deal of resistance to this; however I believe this is what my sons want”

Restorative justice isn't something that the Family Courts are quick to address and the compensation provided by them is often far less than the loss experienced. The parent denied or with limited contact with a child often feels that his/her rights have and are being compromised. In fact, that parent can feel that he/she only has such rights as the other parent, or the Family Courts, can be persuaded to grant him/her.

So, what can the denied or restricted parent do?

Cathy Meyer a US Certified Divorce Coach provides some useful advice in her article “Help for Victims of Parental Alienation Syndrome” including consider working with a mental health professional ie a child specialist and never to give up hope

In her article “Tips to Help Restore Your Relationship With Your Child/Children” Cathy reminds us that when a parent reaches out to a child there are no guarantees that their efforts will pay off but, if no effort is made, the chance of re-building the relationship is remote. She suggests a number of things a parent can do and not do while attempting to connect with an estranged child

Even when pursuing contact through the courts, I advise my clients in Bath and Bristol

• Always accept whatever contact to your child is on offer, no matter how low - or absurdly low. If you accept a two-hour visit, you have established that two-hour visits are workable; if you refuse a two-hour visit, the resident parent can argue that two hour visits are not workable and should not happen.

 • Do absolutely everything possible to make contact work, i.e. no arguments, no recriminations, no harsh words. Do not be late. Do not do anything that crosses a line without the most profound consideration. Do not indulge in tit-for-tat.

• Always remember that the Court's primary concern is whether the contact has worked i.e. been glitch-free and not so much with whose responsibility it was that it did not work. If contact is said to be causing difficulties, then even if those difficulties are caused by the resident parent, your case will become a difficult case where the Courts will be far less likely to intervene on your behalf. So we must make contact work!.  

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Parenting at any time can be a challenging and complicated process. Parenting following divorce or separation can be even more difficult. The prospect of Co-parenting with the ex may seem a nightmare .

"Focus on the fact that you love your kids more than you dislike your ex."

In Relate’s guide "Help Your Children Cope with Your Divorce", Paula Hall gives the following advice for parents embarking on the co-parenting journey.

‘The qualities required for effective co-parenting are good communication, compromise and co-operation,’ she writes. It may be difficult if these things were missing in the first place but she adds that ‘once the separation is complete and the focus of conversations is purely on the children, many couples realise that for everyone concerned, you might as well get on with the job of being parents and leave bad feelings in the past.’

Paula's top tips for implementing the three core qualities can be summarised as follows:

Communication
• Although there may be bad feelings, keep communication calm and courteous
• Meet your ex partner when you have time and energy, not when you are stressed or tired
• Keep emotions in check and agree a time out if either of you gets too emotional

Co-operation
• Agree rules and roles beforehand. Children find it easier to have the same rules in both homes.
• Keep communication respectful and don’t disagree in front of your children
• Don’t encourage the children to take sides or use your child as a spy to find out about your ex’s personal life
• Don’t criticise your ex partner as this can be very stressful for the children.
• Be reasonable in your expectations of your ex partner, and understanding of lapses and mistakes. Your ex will be doing their best for the children and so will you.

Compromise
• Remember that what is best for the child is not always best for the parents
• A child misbehaving is not necessarily a result of the split. Talk to them and explore why they are upset.
• ‘I hate you and want to live with my dad/mum’ is normal as they usually want to live with both. They may know it is the best way to hurt you so instead of getting hurt simply explore what can be done
• Remember that the children need to feel that they can love both parents without being disloyal
• Respect that siblings might want to do different things.
• If your ex gets a new partner put aside negative feelings in front of your children. It will be difficult but the healthiest thing for the child is to be allowed to accept and like the new partner which is hard if you don’t.

People coping with the new dimensions of co-parenting may benefit from a talking with a counsellor in a few sessions. As part of a national charity with 70 years experience supporting relationships, Relate Mid Wiltshire has always been known for their work with couples. However, whole families, individuals and children as young as seven regularly benefit from counselling with Relate, as the service is offered to anyone who simply needs someone to talk to.

Family Counselling may be appropriate, or individual counselling for either parent or the children. Relate is keen to support anyone in making the process of co-parenting successful and beneficial for everyone involved. Call 0844 826 1788 to find out how Relate may be able to help you and your family

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After trying to make a 12 year marriage work that included attending sessions at Relate and individual counselling, Liz realised it was a lost cause and wanted a divorce. With that she also wanted her husband to remain a big part of their children’s lives and hoped that they could become good co-parents in the future. But Liz wasn’t confident that that would happen. She feared that her husband wouldn’t be able to see anything positively and was very worried that his anger with her over the divorce would affect his on-going relationship with their children.

Liz had done her research reading articles, blog posts, searching the net, buying books, talking to professionals and had looked at conflict resolution options including mediation and collaborative practice. She had learnt that conflict was the major cause of unhappiness and poor outcomes for the children. She got it that it was about them and not about her or her husband.

Unfortunately, all too often one side “gets it” and other parent can’t or won’t bring themselves to take the fight out of the conflict and truly focus on what is best for their children. A common theme, both in marriage and divorce, is that “It takes two.” It is no different when trying to end the acrimony and develop a post-separation co-parenting relationship that works.

That fear of how best to deal with the spouse who didn’t yet “get it” opened an opportunity for me to refer Liz to Chris Mills. Specialising in supporting divorcing and separating couples in Bath to understand and manage the complex emotional dynamics of their separation, Chris was able to hear the problems and challenges that Liz faced in dealing with her husband and then contact and invite her husband to tell things from his perspective. Chris then offered to assist with both Liz and her husband without representing either, to develop a parenting plan that worked for them both and their family.

Getting both parents engaged in the process of conflict resolution is no easy task. Often little thought is given to how the other parent is doing particular if they continue to make life miserable. But getting both to “get it" as soon as possible can make all the difference to how the separation and divorce impacts the children affected. My experience is that family consultants like Chris Mills accredited by Resolution to work from Bath in the specialised field of divorce and separation can help make that difference.

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"The contact schedule has it that our 3 year old son stays with me on a Tuesday and Thursday night.  So he should be with me on the Thursday night in two weeks time. My Ex-partner insists he be with her - Why? Because, it will be Christmas Day that Friday morning. We both want him to wake up and open his presents in our separate homes!"

The dilemma over with whom children spend Christmas morning taxes all too often Judges at this time of year, as separated and divorced parents fight over the date in the divorce courts. The ensuing judgment leaves few contented, not least the unfortunate children, as wonderfully illustrated in the Dear Santa letter posted on Judith’s Divorce Blog

The Parents of the 3 year old son, worked out with their family lawyers through a Collaborative Practice dispute resolution process, that it was the joy of watching their son open his presents that they missed the most. So, they agreed to meet on Christmas Eve to open presents together. The contact schedule remained in place, and the child had both his parents with him as he opened presents.  

The greatest gift you can give your child in 2010 and beyond is to love your children more than you hate your spouse and work cooperatively with the other parent to co-parent your children

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“I share Christmas. So on Christmas Eve I am with my mum, then with my dad on Christmas Day. Then the other Christmas I go to my dad’s on Christmas Eve and then I spend Christmas Day with my mum. That is how we share it. And Grandma comes over” (Boy aged 8 years).

Christmas highlights to us all the emotional significance of “family”. We look to forge, renew or strengthen those ties that we value the most at this time of year. For the family of divorced parents, deciding where anyone will be and with whom over Christmas can be particularly difficult and challenging. The non residential or absent parent will often want more time with their children at Christmas than at other times of the year. The resident parent can want to maintain the old family traditions that retain the children with them. All too often, family solicitors and Divorce Courts are engaged at best to negotiate or mediate between parents and at worst to dictate to them where and when children will be, and with whom.

But does Christmas have to be a difficult time for a divorced family? Here are five suggests that may ease the tension

1.  Do plan early – Plan the arrangements for the Christmas holiday as early as possible. Stress about it only increases the closer the day looms. If agreement cannot be reached, involve a mediator or a collaboratively trained family law solicitor, who focus on helping separated and divorced parents to find solutions that work for them and their families. Resort only to the Divorce Court as a last resort.

2.  Do put your children first – The Christmas season is centred on children. So focus on them. Ask yourself what you can do to ensure the holidays are happy and productive for them. If old enough, talk to your children about the traditions they would like to continue and with whom - Finding a Christmas tree with dad or decorating the cake with mum.

3.  Do share time with children over the Christmas period – Christmas is a time when families can focus on what unites rather than what divides them. Unless parents live miles apart, there is no reason why children cannot see and be with both parents over the Christmas holiday. See what you can work out, remembering always to do what is in the best interest of your children

4.  Do let children remain in contact with both parents and their extended family – When it isn’t possible for one parent to see the children for whatever reason, do let them call that parent to say “Happy Christmas”. Grandparents, Uncles and Aunts etc are also an integral part of a child’s life and provide continuity and security in the face of the changed family structure.

5.  Do be flexible – “Madonna let’s Guy see his boys...on terms” was the newspaper headline. The singer was reported to have issued a list of demands that Guy Ritchie must meet when their children were with him. Everyone loses when that happens and it’s the children who feel it the most. How Christmas is organised by divorced parents can provide children with some hope that their parents can and will be able to work things out during and for the rest of the year.

Thoughts of Christmas and divorce many not immediately stir feelings of peace and joy but Christmas is a time when family connections can be prioritised and its divisions relegated. By focusing on planning ahead, being flexible and putting children first, divorced parents can help children and themselves enjoy Christmas and have happy memories of it together.

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The statistics are staggering. One quarter of children in the UK will be involved in their parent’s divorce during their childhood. Each year that involves between 80,000 and 150,000 children (aged under 16). One in four children affected by parental divorce is under five. (ONS/Social Trends).

The affect on children caught up in family relationship breakdown can be equally staggering. Children of divorce have been found to experience more depression, are more likely to be referred for psychological support, have more learning difficulties and problems getting along with peers, become sexually active earlier and produce more children outside marriage.

During my years of practice as a family and divorce solicitor in Bath, I have seen many mothers and fathers whose greatest concern was how a divorce would affect their children and who wanted direction on how to minimise that affect. What I have learnt is that it is the conflict between parents during and after divorce that does children the most harm.

You can benefit your children by working cooperatively with your child’s parent to minimize conflict between you and employing the following ten tips

1.  Assure children that both parents love them. “I need both of you to stay involved in my life. Please write letters make phone calls, and ask me lots of questions. When you don’t stay involved, I feel like I’m not important and that you don’t really love me.”

2.  Only provide children with age appropriate information about what is happening in their family – in ways they can understand. "I want to know whether we are all going to be together for Christmas?"

3.  Children need reassurance that what has happened is not their fault. “When you fight, I think that I did something wrong and I feel guilty”

4.  Help children to maintain contact with both parents - and their wider family. “If you act jealous or upset, I feel like I need to take sides and love one parent more than the other.”

5.  Help to make transitions between both homes a positive experience so children can go easily between their two homes. “I want to love you both and enjoy the time that I spend with each of you. Please support me and the time that I spend with each of you.”

6.  Communicate directly with your spouse and never ask children to be messengers.  “Please communicate directly with my other parent so that I don’t have to send messages back and forth.”

7.  Children do not want to take sides – don’t make them. “When talking about my other parent, please say only nice things, or don’t say anything at all. When you say mean, unkind things about my other parent, I feel like you are expecting me to take your side.”

8.  Children need their parents to make decisions. “Please remember that I want both of you to be a part of my life. I count on my mum and dad to raise me, to teach me what is important, and to help me when I have problems.”

9.  Children can cope with short-term disruption – as long as parents continue to support them?

10.  And finally …..Conflict is the major cause of unhappiness and poor outcomes for children.

 “Please stop fighting and work hard to get along with each other. Try to agree on matters related to me”.

The quotes are from “Helping Children Understand Divorce” produced by the University of Missouri, USA 

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 A divorce may have been contemplated for a while; it’s been on the cards and an unspoken probability. Your children may have sensed that not all was well between their parents. They have overheard talk of a separation and might suspected something is about to happen. But the news that a divorce is going to take place in their family can still come as a great shock to them.

Recently, I received the following from a parent who had decided to tell to his child that Mum and Dad can't live together anymore:  

 I did take our daughter aside last night and asked her mother to come in too. I spoke to her and said ‘all the right things’ but it proved gut wrenchingly miserable – to see her put a brave face on it and allow tears to roll down her face without saying anything other than to ask if we will all be together for Christmas leaves me bereft.

This loving father along with many other mum’s and dad’s never want to cause their children distress. So something as difficult as telling children about parental separation can be a real worry and a painful and difficult event for all. With one in four children in the UK now involved in their parent’s divorce during their childhood this is a situation that I am constantly coming across.

How do I tell our children we are divorcing? Do I tell them individually or all together? What do I tell them and what do I not tell them? Where? When? etc … Help in finding answers to some or all of these questions can increasingly be found from on-line. The following are a couple of websites that my clients have found helpful.

Resolution, is an organisation of 5700 lawyers, who believe in a constructive, non-confrontational approach to family law matters. It has recently added a whole section to its website that provides Advice for parents. Under the heading Supporting your children, it covers Talking to your children about your divorce , How to listen to your children , Managing the negative impact of divorce for children. In other pages you can find key information to help you make a positive difference for your children, as well as details of Resolution's new parent workshops which aim to help parents manage the impact of their divorce or separation for their children.

Divorce coach and parent educator Christina McGhee has a list of tips for talking to your children about divorce on her website and blog.

Further helpful information for parents can also be found on:

• www.oneparentfamilies.org.uk provides information and fact sheets for parents who are separating or parenting apart.
• www.parentlineplus.org.uk provides a range of publications for all parents.
• The Centre for Separated Families has an email advice service dealing with a range of issues

The message that is broadcasted by all of these sites is that children need to be reassured that you will forever be their parents. You will always be their mum or their dad and just because the two of you can no longer live together does not mean that you love them any less. They will always be your children and you will always love them.

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The telephone call was typical of many that I receive as a divorce lawyer at Sharp Family Law based in Bath, UK. After 12 years of marriage and a disastrous summer holiday with their two young daughters, which had not been helped by the unpredictable English weather, Ruth and Alex were separating. Ruth had called to make the appointment and after we had agreed on the arrangements, I encouraged her to elaborate on why it was that she wanted to see me.

Ruth’s call wasn’t a whim. It had followed months of uncertainty, confusion and fear, a summer holiday to get through, for the sake of the children, and the new school year to prepare for and organise. Ruth was worried about Alex’s reaction to a separation, could he cut her off without a penny, would he take the children and run, should she take pre-emptory action?.

As I heard her anxieties and ever increasing “what if’s”, I realised that Ruth and Alex had all the familiar ingredients for a volatile and bitter divorce that would not only financially and emotionally cost them hugely, but also affect their children. How easy it was going to be for their children to get caught in the middle of the emotional and business complications that their parents were going through. The one thing Ruth said that I hoped would ring true was that she and Alex loved their children and wanted to put them first even though their marriage was coming apart.

Putting children first is a common goal of many separating and divorcing parents. But it can often get lost in the web of complicated emotions triggered by a broken relationship and exasperated by a court battle. 

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