Family Law Collaborative Divorce Blog : Bath Divorce Solicitors : Sharp Family Law : UK Collaborative Law & Family Mediation : Bristol, Swindon & Southern England

Parenting at any time can be a challenging and complicated process. Parenting following divorce or separation can be even more difficult. The prospect of Co-parenting with the ex may seem a nightmare .

"Focus on the fact that you love your kids more than you dislike your ex."

In Relate’s guide "Help Your Children Cope with Your Divorce", Paula Hall gives the following advice for parents embarking on the co-parenting journey.

‘The qualities required for effective co-parenting are good communication, compromise and co-operation,’ she writes. It may be difficult if these things were missing in the first place but she adds that ‘once the separation is complete and the focus of conversations is purely on the children, many couples realise that for everyone concerned, you might as well get on with the job of being parents and leave bad feelings in the past.’

Paula's top tips for implementing the three core qualities can be summarised as follows:

Communication
• Although there may be bad feelings, keep communication calm and courteous
• Meet your ex partner when you have time and energy, not when you are stressed or tired
• Keep emotions in check and agree a time out if either of you gets too emotional

Co-operation
• Agree rules and roles beforehand. Children find it easier to have the same rules in both homes.
• Keep communication respectful and don’t disagree in front of your children
• Don’t encourage the children to take sides or use your child as a spy to find out about your ex’s personal life
• Don’t criticise your ex partner as this can be very stressful for the children.
• Be reasonable in your expectations of your ex partner, and understanding of lapses and mistakes. Your ex will be doing their best for the children and so will you.

Compromise
• Remember that what is best for the child is not always best for the parents
• A child misbehaving is not necessarily a result of the split. Talk to them and explore why they are upset.
• ‘I hate you and want to live with my dad/mum’ is normal as they usually want to live with both. They may know it is the best way to hurt you so instead of getting hurt simply explore what can be done
• Remember that the children need to feel that they can love both parents without being disloyal
• Respect that siblings might want to do different things.
• If your ex gets a new partner put aside negative feelings in front of your children. It will be difficult but the healthiest thing for the child is to be allowed to accept and like the new partner which is hard if you don’t.

People coping with the new dimensions of co-parenting may benefit from a talking with a counsellor in a few sessions. As part of a national charity with 70 years experience supporting relationships, Relate Mid Wiltshire has always been known for their work with couples. However, whole families, individuals and children as young as seven regularly benefit from counselling with Relate, as the service is offered to anyone who simply needs someone to talk to.

Family Counselling may be appropriate, or individual counselling for either parent or the children. Relate is keen to support anyone in making the process of co-parenting successful and beneficial for everyone involved. Call 0844 826 1788 to find out how Relate may be able to help you and your family

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With summer days ahead, wedding bells become a familiar sound. Falling in love and getting married can be one of life’s high points. Divorce tends to fall at the opposite end of the emotional spectrum.

Divorce is one of the most emotionally disturbing transitions a person can face. The negative emotions associated with divorce, cause more than hurt feelings; they can impact on the final outcome of settlement negotiations or court litigation, how children are affected by their parents’ divorce, and how the divorced couple relate and co-parent into the future.

On top of being a time of deep emotional turmoil, divorce is a legal and even a business transaction. The ultimate challenge of divorce is learning how best to deal with both the legal and emotional issues that arise at a time when many are least able to deal with them objectively.

In recent months, psychotherapist family consultant Christopher Mills and I have been working on bringing together the legal and emotional aspects of divorce. By combining our different professional perspectives and years of experience working in Bath in the fields of family law and family therapy, Christopher Mills and I are now able to help clients understand that the emotional and legal aspects of divorce are part of the same package, have a direct influence on each other and are best managed together.

Together we have created a team approach to offer a unique joint divorce service in Bath. It will help separating and divorcing clients

• Gain perspective on their legal options early on
• Make better informed decision
• Understand and meet their children’s best interests
• Improve the efficiency of the separation and divorce process
• Enable family members to move forward positively with the rest of their lives.

To learn more about this new divorce service contact Richard Sharp (m: 07798 606740 t: 01225 870336 e: richard@sharpfamilylaw.com, website: www.sharpfamilylaw.com ) or Christopher Mills (m: 07812 364070 t: 01225 445237 e: cm@chrismills.uk.com, website www.chrismills.uk.com ) – The office is located at 3, Miles’s Buildings, George Street, Bath, BA1 2QS, UK

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After trying to make a 12 year marriage work that included attending sessions at Relate and individual counselling, Liz realised it was a lost cause and wanted a divorce. With that she also wanted her husband to remain a big part of their children’s lives and hoped that they could become good co-parents in the future. But Liz wasn’t confident that that would happen. She feared that her husband wouldn’t be able to see anything positively and was very worried that his anger with her over the divorce would affect his on-going relationship with their children.

Liz had done her research reading articles, blog posts, searching the net, buying books, talking to professionals and had looked at conflict resolution options including mediation and collaborative practice. She had learnt that conflict was the major cause of unhappiness and poor outcomes for the children. She got it that it was about them and not about her or her husband.

Unfortunately, all too often one side “gets it” and other parent can’t or won’t bring themselves to take the fight out of the conflict and truly focus on what is best for their children. A common theme, both in marriage and divorce, is that “It takes two.” It is no different when trying to end the acrimony and develop a post-separation co-parenting relationship that works.

That fear of how best to deal with the spouse who didn’t yet “get it” opened an opportunity for me to refer Liz to Chris Mills. Specialising in supporting divorcing and separating couples in Bath to understand and manage the complex emotional dynamics of their separation, Chris was able to hear the problems and challenges that Liz faced in dealing with her husband and then contact and invite her husband to tell things from his perspective. Chris then offered to assist with both Liz and her husband without representing either, to develop a parenting plan that worked for them both and their family.

Getting both parents engaged in the process of conflict resolution is no easy task. Often little thought is given to how the other parent is doing particular if they continue to make life miserable. But getting both to “get it" as soon as possible can make all the difference to how the separation and divorce impacts the children affected. My experience is that family consultants like Chris Mills accredited by Resolution to work from Bath in the specialised field of divorce and separation can help make that difference.

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Daily Mail Newspaper began January 2010 with “Divorce Day heralds rising toll of marital strife in 2010” as a headline on the 4^th January 2010, quoting the website divorce-online.co.uk as saying that the general divorce rate would rise by 2% in 2010 with the recession taking most of the blame. It has ended the month with the headline “Divorce rate falls to 35 year low” on 29^th January 2010.

Confused? More couples do traditionally decide to divorce in the UK during the month of January than during any other month in the year, but the latest figures, published by the Office for National Statistics during the past week, show that fewer couples ended their marriages in 2008 than in any year since the divorce boom of the 1970’s.

Will 2010 be the year that bucks the falling divorce rate trend of recent years as divorce-online.co.uk predicts?. Will divorce levels rise in 2010 as a result of the strains and stresses added to marriages by the recession?. Much may depend on the relationship support that is available and offered to help couples work through their issues and decide whether staying together is an option to be explored.

In their recent article Divorce rate lowest for 29 years, the BBC quote Claire Tyler, chief executive of Relate as saying "Relationship support works, with 80% of respondents to a Relate survey, who wanted to keep their relationship together, stating they felt counselling helped to strengthen their relationship. Independent research also showed we know that 50% of separated people said they felt there were things they could have done to prevent their break-up, and they wished they'd done more."

Recently, I was approached by a Bath couple who wanted my help with the issues surrounding what they thought was their pending separation. They were anxious to find a non-contentious process as they feared a fall out between them would adversely affect their 3 year old son. That fear of how best to co- parent after parting opened an opportunity to refer my client, the husband, to Chris Mills a family consultant based in Bath. Specializing in supporting divorcing and separating couples to understand and manage the complex emotional dynamics of their separation, Chris was able to help the husband look at his situation and relationship with his wife. A few days later I received the following email

“My wife and I are going to remortgage and stay in our home. It is thanks to your caring and knowledgeable service. I cannot thank you enough”

The wand that encourages marital reconciliation may not always be available nor work its magic but as the BBC reported in their article more marriages might be saved with with the involvement of th right professional. In the About Section of this blog are listed two mental health professionals who have been accredited by Resolution to work in the specialized field of divorce and separation.  

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