Family Law Collaborative Divorce Blog : Bath Divorce Solicitors : Sharp Family Law : UK Collaborative Law & Family Mediation : Bristol, Swindon & Southern England

Remembrance Sunday events were held today all over the country to honour the UK's war dead. For some, with past or present personal experience of lost friends or colleagues, it will have been particularly poignant.  Outside Bath Abbey, the personal message on a wooded cross placed in the grass, reminded me that the death of a loved one can affect a family for years.

Divorce can feel like a death. The death of promises given, death of a familiar way of life, death of a parental role, death of a friendship and friends and for some even death of the family.  But does divorce have to be like this?  What might help to keep the family alive and minimise the impact on the current and future families?

In my work as a specialist family lawyer in Bath and Bristol, I see and help separating and divorcing couples who are able to end their marriage and maintain their family. How they achieve that was in part explained by a client during the past week. He wrote -

 “My children are getting settled in to their new life, and when I see them we have good times. I'm sure that part of this is because my wife and I are still able to work together in their best interests. I now recognise that the legal process has a huge role to play in limiting and not escalating the damage that has already occurred in the relationship between ex-husbands and wives, and consequently has a huge bearing on the lives of any children. And I think that your approach, in this regard, was exemplary. So on behalf of my own children - thank you " 

There may not be an alternative to divorce but the way you divorce and react to it may be your choice. By exercising that choice, families can and do survive divorce

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BBC News reports today that both marriage and divorce can trigger weight gain. This is the finding of research being presented at the American Sociological Association. Their study of 10,071 people from 1986 to 2008 showed that there is an increased risk of piling on the pounds in the two years after a marriage starts or ends.

Newly-divorced women and men had between 21% and 22% increased risk of a small weight gain after divorce. The report concludes: "All marital transitions act as a weight shock, encouraging small weight gains regardless of the destination marital state."

In my practice as a family and divorce solicitor in Bath and Bristol, UK, I witness clients, going through the significant transitions brought about by divorce, including stressing over having to find alternative accommodation, stretching finite finances resources, and strained contact with friends and families. Divorce is one of the most intense stressors and it can lead to disturbed sleep, reduced exercise and poor diet

To try and reduce those personal, financial and legal stresses, I encourage clients to consider choosing a non-adversarial approach to divorce, like Collaborative Practice or Family Mediation. Not only might that approach help them achieve reasoned settlements but it could be healthier for them, than a positional, adversarial Divorce Court hearing.

But away from the Divorce Court clients still need to be good to themselves. In her article Nine Tips for Taking Care of Yourself During and After Divorce, Cathy Meyer relationship coach and divorce mediator encourages clients to see their doctor regularly, take vitamins, get regular exercise and plenty of sleep, let off steam, change the scenery, practice good hygiene as well as eating a good diet. All perhaps obvious actions but quickly and easily forgotten or ignored in times of significant life transitions.

As the research above highlights a divorce can stretch waistlines. But by taking care of oneself, by focusing on keeping active and healthy, by choosing a constructive process like collaborative practice that focuses on settlement and reduces conflict, it is possible to minimise the damaging effects of divorce and move on with life without too many extra pounds.

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I am excited to be able to announce the expansion of our professional services to clients in Bath and Bristol.

Clare Webb, a specialist family lawyer, has joined the Firm. She will advise and assist those going through the changes brought about by family and relationship breakdowns.

She shares with me the commitment to help clients reach an early resolution of issues and avoid the prolonged conflict of court proceedings.

Clare’s puts great emphasis on providing an exceptional, individually tailored and client-focused service to those experiencing one of the most difficult and emotional times in their lives. Clare believes it is integral that her client feels in control and yet supported by a lawyer who will respect them, listen to what they say and act in their best interest. Above all Clare wants her clients to come out of the process with their heads held high and with a result, both personal and financial, that they and their family as a whole can accept and live with.

To contact Clare email her at clare@sharpfamilylaw.com or telephone her on 01225 448955

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Walking away from an argument can be a warning sign of divorce.

This is the finding of researchers at the University of Michigan after evaluating how 373 couples resolved conflicts.After 16 years, 48% of the couples had split – and a strong predictor of divorce was the tendency of one partner to withdraw during an argument while the other tried to discuss the situation even calmly. Study author Kira Birditt Ph.D. is stated in Men’s Health to have said that leaving the scene can be viewed by the other person as a lack of investment in the relationship, not as a way to cool down.

Unless checked, the communication gap that led to a failed marriage can also lead to a litigious divorce.

Rarely as a specialist family law solicitor in Bath and Bristol have I seen a litigation process help parties communicate better. Nor have I seen it encourage settlement discussions between them until late in the day and often only at the door of the court. Even then communication and negotiation are invariably undertaken out of fear of the pending courtroom showdown or the uncertain judgment outcome.

There is virtually nothing about most litigation processes that help parties feel remotely relaxed and safe, nor wanting to get together to create a problem solving environment. Instead the adversarial attitude and mentality polarizes parties making settlement more difficult to achieve.

A goal of the Collaborative Divorce process is to create an environment in which couples can feel comfortable remaining together within it, able to communicate all issues between them, and reach solutions that work for them. It does this by:

• Encouraging participants to commit to civil, respectful and constructive communications. Just having them stated in the process helps defuse past and present emotions.
• Focusing solely on settlement from the outset. The collaborative divorce process helps parties increase the chances that they will reach that settlement
• Involving communication facilitators, including divorce coaches and family consultants. The support provided by them can often help avoid or overcome impasses and help redirect conflict away from the individual and at the problem to be resolved

The Collaborative Divorce process is not appropriate for all divorcing couples and certainly will not guarantee better communication between them thereafter. However, for couples who have had difficulty communicating during the marriage and want to avoid prolonged conflict thereafter the Collaborative Divorce can provide a less destructive process.

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THERE MAY NOT BE AN ALTERNATIVE TO DIVORCE BUT THERE IS AN ALTERNATIVE TO THE WAY YOU DIVORCE

Research on the effects of divorce on children has shown that it is not the divorce but the way you divorce that impacts children. The way you divorce can also have a significant impact on the emotional, financial and legal costs of your divorce.

The message from the Media, and even family and friends is that divorces are fought in Court. Sometimes an appearance at Court before a Judge is needed, but often it can be avoided. Many Family Law Solicitors in Bath & Bristol agree that litigation is not the preferred method of resolution and it is the last thing that most clients really want.

There are a range of options to choose from and methods of dispute resolution for divorcing couples that need no attendance at Court, that help you to maintain control, that leave the decision making in your hands and hold out the prospect of reduced conflict, expense and time.

Range of Options

• Collaborative Law

This helps separating and divorcing couples to resolve their differences respectfully, together in private and without the threat of court action. Specially trained family lawyers and other professionals provide a safe environment in which positions are defused and goals developed. This enables separating and divorcing parties to make informed decisions and work strictly towards settlement at their pace and without the threat of Divorce Court intervention.

• Family Mediation

This helps separating and divorcing couples to reach mutual decisions without court intervention with the aid of a neutral professional third party. The mediator facilitates communication and helps to guide separating and divorcing parties to identify issues, explore available options and arrive at an agreement acceptable to all without offering legal advice or advocating for either party.

• Negotiation

This enables separating and divorcing couples to retain lawyers to reach agreements for them through correspondence or at round the table meetings.

Each party with their chosen lawyer can prepare an informed resolution that he or she believes is fair and share that with the other party. Thereafter, the parties negotiate those positions and proposals through lawyer's letters or "round the table” meetings, adjusting them until an acceptable middle ground is reached.

Which is the Best Option for You?

There may not be an alternative to divorce but the way you divorce and react to it may be your choice. At Sharp Family Law, we will help you choose the method that is most appropriate for you and your family based on the nature of the emotional, financial and legal issues that are before you. For more information on the divorce options contact Richard Sharp on 01225 870336 or email him at richard@sharpfamilylaw.com

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Rob was a successful entrepreneur who had built up a business in Bath during the marriage. He came to see me as his marriage of 10 years to Sarah had come to an end. I learnt that Sarah knew little about the business and was concerned that she would lose out. Rob felt that the business was "his" rather than an asset to be shared.

A Nasty Divorce can mean trouble for Business

The impact of a marriage breakdown and divorce does ripple out well beyond the family home. A business caught in the cross fire of a divorce will suffer. Inattention from a stressed-out, depressed or preoccupied owner can lose customers and business opportunities. Divorce costs can escalate as competing lawyers and forensic accountants pick over the assets of the business.

A business interest is an asset to be divided between both spouses. It can often be the most valuable asset in the marriage and the biggest bone of contention in a divorce. Valuing it is complex, costly and time-consuming. How and who values it can be a major flash-point of conflict. Aside from its financial value, the emotional attachments can inflame the one who created it as he or she faces the prospect of sharing it with the other who has had no involvement in it.

The process you choose for your divorce can determine its outcome

What Sarah really wanted was the security of keeping the family home, not an interest in the business. Rob wanted to keep control of his business in Bath and the future benefits it might bring. They both wanted to avoid the acrimony and trauma of a traditional adversarial divorce court process. They feared that might destroy the business and the wealth they were trying to divide. They didn’t want a Judge sitting in the Bath County Court determining financial arrangements in their place.

Rob and Sarah selected me and another Bath Collaborative family lawyer to work with them and together we committed to resolve matters between us without involving the court.

We committed to resolve matters …… without involving the court

We introduced a collaboratively trained financial advisor. He looked from a neutral perspective at the assets of the marriage including the business and the family home, and helped Rob and Sarah understand the division options open to them. A family consultant worked with them to address their emotions towards each other, develop communication and a level of trust between them. Through a series of meetings attended by Rob and me, Sarah and her lawyer, we found a solution from the options available that met their interests and needs without either feeling disadvantaged.

The collaborative divorce process proved to

• preserve the wealth held by Rob & Sarah and not destroy it.
• ensure the right professional dealt with the right problem for Rob & Sarah.
• encourage Rob & Sarah to think creatively and craft solutions that worked for them and their family
• enable them to decide and keep control of what happened & how fast it happened.

Every divorcing couple is different, and a collaborative divorce process is not for everyone. But Rob & Sarah found that a collaborative divorce can enable solutions to be found and destruction to be limited to those things that were important to them and their family.

For a free copy of “A Client’s Guide to Collaborative Divorce” contact me at richard@sharpfamilylaw.com

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"Our children aged 16 & 14 were reassured by seeing us working together to resolve our issues.” - “It really was by far the best thing we could have done. I would have been more damaged without it.” - “It is probably best summed up as “communication, not confrontation"

 – Quotes highlighted in the section headed “What clients have said about the collaborative approach” in “A Client’s Guide to Collaborative Divorce: Putting your family first” written by Gillian Bishop

As the title suggests, this guide is designed to assist us understand the collaborative approach to separation and divorce. In particular it will help those individuals and couples who are:

• Contemplating a divorce or separation and genuinely want to find a way of resolving issues without involving the court – the guide will assist them in making the right choice for them.
• Already using the collaborative approach for resolving these issues – the guide will be a useful aide memoire for preparing for the 4-way meetings.

The Guide sets out Collaborative Divorce in a nutshell, how the approach works, how to know if it is right approach for the individual and their family, the roles of those participating including the lawyers and other possible professionals. It contains lots of frequently asked questions and a useful resources section packed with self-evaluation questionnaires. Comparisons, ground rules etc.

In addition to explaining the “no-court commitment” at the heart of the approach, what I like best about the Guide are the stories that are placed amongst its pages. They tell how couples – Clare & Peter, Matthew & Ingrid, Rachel & Joachim – were helped through their separation or divorce by the collaborative approach and the long-term benefits that that brought them as individuals and as families.

We made the right decision to deal with this collaboratively. I feel that although separated our family is still intact

I recommend this guide to my clients in Bath and Bristol who may be thinking how to go about separating and/or divorcing. If you would like a copy contact me on 01225 870336 or email me at richard@sharpfamilylaw.com. It can also be ordered online at www.flip.co.uk/about/downloads.asp

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After trying to make a 12 year marriage work that included attending sessions at Relate and individual counselling, Liz realised it was a lost cause and wanted a divorce. With that she also wanted her husband to remain a big part of their children’s lives and hoped that they could become good co-parents in the future. But Liz wasn’t confident that that would happen. She feared that her husband wouldn’t be able to see anything positively and was very worried that his anger with her over the divorce would affect his on-going relationship with their children.

Liz had done her research reading articles, blog posts, searching the net, buying books, talking to professionals and had looked at conflict resolution options including mediation and collaborative practice. She had learnt that conflict was the major cause of unhappiness and poor outcomes for the children. She got it that it was about them and not about her or her husband.

Unfortunately, all too often one side “gets it” and other parent can’t or won’t bring themselves to take the fight out of the conflict and truly focus on what is best for their children. A common theme, both in marriage and divorce, is that “It takes two.” It is no different when trying to end the acrimony and develop a post-separation co-parenting relationship that works.

That fear of how best to deal with the spouse who didn’t yet “get it” opened an opportunity for me to refer Liz to Chris Mills. Specialising in supporting divorcing and separating couples in Bath to understand and manage the complex emotional dynamics of their separation, Chris was able to hear the problems and challenges that Liz faced in dealing with her husband and then contact and invite her husband to tell things from his perspective. Chris then offered to assist with both Liz and her husband without representing either, to develop a parenting plan that worked for them both and their family.

Getting both parents engaged in the process of conflict resolution is no easy task. Often little thought is given to how the other parent is doing particular if they continue to make life miserable. But getting both to “get it" as soon as possible can make all the difference to how the separation and divorce impacts the children affected. My experience is that family consultants like Chris Mills accredited by Resolution to work from Bath in the specialised field of divorce and separation can help make that difference.

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Amongst the 10 Bizarre Divorce Settlements Mental_Floss reminded us that to help foot the bill for his 1977 divorce from Anna Gordy, the singer Marvin Gaye agreed to record a new album and give all of the royalties to Gordy as maintenance.

Princess Diana lost the title “Her Royal Highness” when she and Prince Charles divorced in 1996 but amongst other things it was agreed that she retain Kensington Palace, her jewellery and the ability to entertain at st James’s Palace with the Queen’s permission.

The actor David Hasselhoff’s as part of his 2008 divorce settlement with ex-wife Pamela Bach, kept possession of the nickname “Hoff” and the catchphrase “Don’t Hassle the Hoff.”

Not only are the lives of the rich and famous complicated but so are many others that separate and divorce. Paul and Deborah’s marriage of 19 years ended in divorce last year. Before the settlement, Paul wanted to minimise the changes for the family. Deborah wanted to stay in the family home but was worried about the costs of keeping it going. Paul and Deborah agreed the family should stay in the home until the children finished their schooling and Paul would pay for any maintenance and repairs to it until then. When the house was sold, Paul’s maintenance expenses would be deducted from the proceeds.

The children got to continue their regular routine, Deborah didn’t have to budget for costly repair works and Paul will receive recognition for his financial support. Identifying what was most important to this couple was crucial. The court would not have been able to make such a mutually satisfactory arrangement without the cooperation of the couple.

Mark and Linda were married for 25 years. He had been the primary wage-earner, she the homemaker. Mark wanted to cut back on the hours he worked and freedom from potentially lifelong support payments. Linda wanted a settlement that reflected the sacrifices she had made to support Mark in his profession and raise their children. She also wanted his support whilst she re-trained.

Face to face negotiations helped to ease tensions between them as they both recognized and acknowledged the contributions that each had made to the marriage. By taking out loans, Mark made a lump sum payment to Linda that enabled her to return to school and train for her own career. He was pleased that she would shortly be able to support herself and relieved not to be making support payments at a time when he wanted to cut back on his hours. A court might have imposed spousal support payments that would have hindered Mark’s career change and impeded Linda’s ability to invest in her future.

Both Paul and Carol, and Mark and Linda were able to negotiate the divorce settlement that worked for them and their families by using the dispute resolution process called Collaborative Practice. It helps separating and divorcing couples:

• To think creatively and craft their own individualised solutions to their issues instead of the restricted range of outcomes available in the divorce court system.

• To use their intelligence and energy toward creative problem solving rather than toward recriminations or revenge – fixing the problem rather than fixing the blame.

 • To keep control of decisions about restructuring financial and child rearing arrangements in their hands and not those of a Judge.

• To take control over what happens, how fast it happens, who is involved and ensures that those who are, including their solicitors, work only towards a mutually satisfactory settlement. Everyone has an input and brainstorming and creative ideas can emerge to resolve differences and issues.

Your divorce settlement may not need to be as bizarre as some highlighted by Mental Floss but no court will be better able than you to create and craft a settlement that works for your family.

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The value of Sandy and Rob’s house had fallen in the recession. The prospect of acquiring one let alone two alternative homes was no longer possible. My client Rob (a fictional name) feared that, along with the broken marriage, he would lose his job and with it his mortgage capacity. Sandy hadn’t worked in ten years and the cost of child care worried her.

“They started to fight when the money got tight, and they just didn’t count on the tears”are lyrics from the song “Scenes from an Italian Restaurant” by Billy Joel in his 1977 album “The Stranger”. But must it always end in tears? Must differences over scarce and limited financial resources be determined by divorce court room battles?

Not always. Sandy and Rob, along with other separating and divorcing couples are increasingly discovering that there are lawyers and other experts with specialist knowledge and experience of divorce, who offer less destructive dispute resolution processes. One such process is Collaborative Practice.

• It helps couples to create their own individualised solutions to their issues instead of the restricted range of outcomes available in the divorce court system.

• It encourages couples to use their intelligence and energy toward creative problem solving rather than toward recriminations or revenge – fixing the problem rather than fixing the blame.

• It keeps control of decisions about restructuring financial and child rearing arrangements in the hands of the couple and not the Judge.

• It places a premium on the welfare of children and protects them from the harm associated with litigated disputes between parents.

Sandy and Rob, in meetings with their collaborative family lawyers, worked through their fears and emerged with a divorce settlement that would work for them and their family. The collaborative professionals helped them to focus on settling their needs and interests, instead of pursuing their rights and entitlements. Choosing the right process in the beginning can save separating and divorcing couples time, money and tears in the long term.

Billy Joel continues his song “....they got a divorce as a matter of course and they parted the closest of friends”.That ideal may not always be possible but how a couple chooses to divorce can impact them and their children for years to come.

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Collaborative Law is proving to be successful when used by divorcing couples said one of the UK’s most senior judges last week at a meeting of 200 of London's family lawyers (....yes including me)

Lord Kerr of Tonaghmore, a justice in the UK’s new Supreme Court, in giving his backing to collaborative law highlighted that:

"one of the most inspiring facts about it was that 85 per cent of couples who used the collaborative approach had been able to agree an amicable settlement. On any view no further testament to the success of the system is required” (statistics from family lawyers’ group, Resolution).

Lord Kerr went on to tell all of us present that he thought that the collaborative approach – recently used by comedian Robin Williams - was now having a profound impact on matrimonial law. As the Times Online reported, Lord Kerr explained that the essence of the new approach was conciliation, not “victory by one side over the other” or "the vindication of one viewpoint at the expense of an opponent's. Rather the fundamental purpose is to shape a solution to the problems experienced by the parties that not only resolves the immediate dispute, but which will endure to sustain a relationship after the parties have left the stage."

This goal was not just "an incidental side effect of civilised negotiations", he added. "It reflects its centrality to the entire process. It required more than civility and courtesy; it required the mindset that asks: how can we fashion an outcome that was best for all those affected, such as the children, in the dispute.”

Comprehensive information on Collaborative Law can be read on the website of The International Academy of Collaborative Professionals (IACP). In brief, Collaborative Law (sometimes called Collaborative Practice) helps separating and divorcing couples to resolve their differences respectfully, in private and without the threat of court action. The Collaborative process differs from a divorce Court process by retaining control of it with the divorcing couple and not with a judge.

The aim of a Collaborative process is to help separating and divorcing couples to:

- Focus on what are their most important issues, especially children;
- Communicate more effectively throughout the process;
- Lay the foundations for a healthier relationship during and after, the separation or divorce.

At the end of this coming week, some of those same family lawyers from London and other parts of the World (....yes including me) will be attending the 10th Annual Forum of The IACP in Minneapolis, USA.

As the legal profession learns to focus on settlement rather than trial and the Judiciary continues to back out of court processes like Collaborative Law, many more divorcing couples will be able to get through their divorce with their dignity intact, do what is best for their children, come up with fair financial settlements and move on with their lives. 

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You are not alone, if you are thinking of getting divorced. Sadly, around 150,000 people get divorced every year and almost 40% of all marriages end in divorce in England and Wales.

But maybe you and your spouse agree on one thing: you don't want a bitter fight. You are determined to avoid the ugly battles over property and child custody that you have seen others endure. You care about the emotional and financial wellbeing of your family and, in particular, your children. You want to be able to dance at their weddings.

If so, a "collaborative divorce" could work for you.

In one recent divorce case that I handled Mrs T of Castle Cary and her husband were keen for their divorce to be as amicable as possible and found that a Collaborative divorce or practice process was the right solution for them.

Mrs T remarked that the relaxed nature of the process came as a complete surprise, and that she had no idea that getting a divorce could be so painless. "All four of us - my husband and I and our two lawyers - signed up to a mission statement to ensure we all communicated openly. Our four-way face-to-face meetings meant that everything moved through smoothly, swiftly and cheaply."

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