They Started to Fight when the Money got Tight

Posted on December 8, 2009 by Richard Sharp

The value of Sandy and Rob’s house had fallen in the recession. The prospect of acquiring one let alone two alternative homes was no longer possible. My client Rob (a fictional name) feared that, along with the broken marriage, he would lose his job and with it his mortgage capacity. Sandy hadn’t worked in ten years and the cost of child care worried her.

“They started to fight when the money got tight, and they just didn’t count on the tears”are lyrics from the song “Scenes from an Italian Restaurant” by Billy Joel in his 1977 album “The Stranger”. But must it always end in tears? Must differences over scarce and limited financial resources be determined by divorce court room battles?

Not always. Sandy and Rob, along with other separating and divorcing couples are increasingly discovering that there are lawyers and other experts with specialist knowledge and experience of divorce, who offer less destructive dispute resolution processes. One such process is Collaborative Practice.

• It helps couples to create their own individualised solutions to their issues instead of the restricted range of outcomes available in the divorce court system.

• It encourages couples to use their intelligence and energy toward creative problem solving rather than toward recriminations or revenge – fixing the problem rather than fixing the blame.

• It keeps control of decisions about restructuring financial and child rearing arrangements in the hands of the couple and not the Judge.

• It places a premium on the welfare of children and protects them from the harm associated with litigated disputes between parents.

Sandy and Rob, in meetings with their collaborative family lawyers, worked through their fears and emerged with a divorce settlement that would work for them and their family. The collaborative professionals helped them to focus on settling their needs and interests, instead of pursuing their rights and entitlements. Choosing the right process in the beginning can save separating and divorcing couples time, money and tears in the long term.

Billy Joel continues his song “....they got a divorce as a matter of course and they parted the closest of friends”.That ideal may not always be possible but how a couple chooses to divorce can impact them and their children for years to come.

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Relate's Response to Family Tension in Recession

Posted on August 27, 2009 by Richard Sharp

The lead article on front page of The Times Newspaper on Wednesday 12th August 2009 caught my eye - “Recession starts to threaten home life” was the bold heading and it ran

Britain faces a surge in drug addition, alcoholism and domestic violence as the second wave of the recession and rising unemployment take a grip...

The prediction comes from The Audit Commission, an independent public sector watchdog who reports that Britain is still in the first phase of this recession, predominantly economic in nature, but is about to face the second, social phase identified by long-term unemployment, housing, health and domestic problems. It says “With families and individuals under stress, most areas are likely to witness increasing social problems including domestic violence, alcoholism, drug addiction and young people unable to find work.”

Billy Joel’s lyric “They started to fight when the money got tight” is unfortunately evident close to home. Amanda Foyster, General Manager of Relate Mid-Wiltshire recently told me that an increase in domestic violence in parts of Wiltshire had been reported, caused in part by people feeling under enormous economic pressure.

One such source of that pressure, expressed to counsellors at Relate Mid-Wiltshire, is a feeling amongst couples that they are unable to afford to create and move into separate housing following a relationship breakdown. They can’t really afford to do anything but persist in an unhappy situation. They feel trapped and unable to do what they want to get out of it. The frustration that that causes parents generates tension within the family that inevitable impacts all not least the children within it.

In the good financial times, 1 in 5 adult cases handled by Relate Mid-Wiltshire had its roots in financial difficulties. Now that proportion has increased creating considerable stress within families. In response, Relate Mid-Wiltshire is growing the work it does with families and can offer Counselling for Young People, and Family Counselling as well as Relationship Counselling. The Bath Relate Centre also offers Family and Relationship Counselling.

Relate on it's website is currently asking "How is the recession affecting you and your family?" In it's recession questionnaire it says:

During the recession we know that family relationships can be affected differently. Relate would like to hear your family’s experience – is stress causing you to argue more? Are you keeping financial worries from your partner? Alternatively is it bringing you closer as a family?

Relate would like to share these anonymous stories to show how the recession is affecting people’s home life.

As a past Trustee of Relate, I know the valuable work that they do to help families, parents and young people in their family life. With counselling and mediation Relate can support you and your children through these economically difficult times. 

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