Family Law Collaborative Divorce Blog : Bath Divorce Solicitors : Sharp Family Law : UK Collaborative Law & Family Mediation : Bristol, Swindon & Southern England

Remembrance Sunday events were held today all over the country to honour the UK's war dead. For some, with past or present personal experience of lost friends or colleagues, it will have been particularly poignant.  Outside Bath Abbey, the personal message on a wooded cross placed in the grass, reminded me that the death of a loved one can affect a family for years.

Divorce can feel like a death. The death of promises given, death of a familiar way of life, death of a parental role, death of a friendship and friends and for some even death of the family.  But does divorce have to be like this?  What might help to keep the family alive and minimise the impact on the current and future families?

In my work as a specialist family lawyer in Bath and Bristol, I see and help separating and divorcing couples who are able to end their marriage and maintain their family. How they achieve that was in part explained by a client during the past week. He wrote -

 “My children are getting settled in to their new life, and when I see them we have good times. I'm sure that part of this is because my wife and I are still able to work together in their best interests. I now recognise that the legal process has a huge role to play in limiting and not escalating the damage that has already occurred in the relationship between ex-husbands and wives, and consequently has a huge bearing on the lives of any children. And I think that your approach, in this regard, was exemplary. So on behalf of my own children - thank you " 

There may not be an alternative to divorce but the way you divorce and react to it may be your choice. By exercising that choice, families can and do survive divorce

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I am excited to be able to announce the expansion of our professional services to clients in Bath and Bristol.

Clare Webb, a specialist family lawyer, has joined the Firm. She will advise and assist those going through the changes brought about by family and relationship breakdowns.

She shares with me the commitment to help clients reach an early resolution of issues and avoid the prolonged conflict of court proceedings.

Clare’s puts great emphasis on providing an exceptional, individually tailored and client-focused service to those experiencing one of the most difficult and emotional times in their lives. Clare believes it is integral that her client feels in control and yet supported by a lawyer who will respect them, listen to what they say and act in their best interest. Above all Clare wants her clients to come out of the process with their heads held high and with a result, both personal and financial, that they and their family as a whole can accept and live with.

To contact Clare email her at clare@sharpfamilylaw.com or telephone her on 01225 448955

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"Our children aged 16 & 14 were reassured by seeing us working together to resolve our issues.” - “It really was by far the best thing we could have done. I would have been more damaged without it.” - “It is probably best summed up as “communication, not confrontation"

 – Quotes highlighted in the section headed “What clients have said about the collaborative approach” in “A Client’s Guide to Collaborative Divorce: Putting your family first” written by Gillian Bishop

As the title suggests, this guide is designed to assist us understand the collaborative approach to separation and divorce. In particular it will help those individuals and couples who are:

• Contemplating a divorce or separation and genuinely want to find a way of resolving issues without involving the court – the guide will assist them in making the right choice for them.
• Already using the collaborative approach for resolving these issues – the guide will be a useful aide memoire for preparing for the 4-way meetings.

The Guide sets out Collaborative Divorce in a nutshell, how the approach works, how to know if it is right approach for the individual and their family, the roles of those participating including the lawyers and other possible professionals. It contains lots of frequently asked questions and a useful resources section packed with self-evaluation questionnaires. Comparisons, ground rules etc.

In addition to explaining the “no-court commitment” at the heart of the approach, what I like best about the Guide are the stories that are placed amongst its pages. They tell how couples – Clare & Peter, Matthew & Ingrid, Rachel & Joachim – were helped through their separation or divorce by the collaborative approach and the long-term benefits that that brought them as individuals and as families.

We made the right decision to deal with this collaboratively. I feel that although separated our family is still intact

I recommend this guide to my clients in Bath and Bristol who may be thinking how to go about separating and/or divorcing. If you would like a copy contact me on 01225 870336 or email me at richard@sharpfamilylaw.com. It can also be ordered online at www.flip.co.uk/about/downloads.asp

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After trying to make a 12 year marriage work that included attending sessions at Relate and individual counselling, Liz realised it was a lost cause and wanted a divorce. With that she also wanted her husband to remain a big part of their children’s lives and hoped that they could become good co-parents in the future. But Liz wasn’t confident that that would happen. She feared that her husband wouldn’t be able to see anything positively and was very worried that his anger with her over the divorce would affect his on-going relationship with their children.

Liz had done her research reading articles, blog posts, searching the net, buying books, talking to professionals and had looked at conflict resolution options including mediation and collaborative practice. She had learnt that conflict was the major cause of unhappiness and poor outcomes for the children. She got it that it was about them and not about her or her husband.

Unfortunately, all too often one side “gets it” and other parent can’t or won’t bring themselves to take the fight out of the conflict and truly focus on what is best for their children. A common theme, both in marriage and divorce, is that “It takes two.” It is no different when trying to end the acrimony and develop a post-separation co-parenting relationship that works.

That fear of how best to deal with the spouse who didn’t yet “get it” opened an opportunity for me to refer Liz to Chris Mills. Specialising in supporting divorcing and separating couples in Bath to understand and manage the complex emotional dynamics of their separation, Chris was able to hear the problems and challenges that Liz faced in dealing with her husband and then contact and invite her husband to tell things from his perspective. Chris then offered to assist with both Liz and her husband without representing either, to develop a parenting plan that worked for them both and their family.

Getting both parents engaged in the process of conflict resolution is no easy task. Often little thought is given to how the other parent is doing particular if they continue to make life miserable. But getting both to “get it" as soon as possible can make all the difference to how the separation and divorce impacts the children affected. My experience is that family consultants like Chris Mills accredited by Resolution to work from Bath in the specialised field of divorce and separation can help make that difference.

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In the U.S. State of Maryland, the court may currently grant an absolute divorce on the ground of adultery, desertion, insanity, cruelty of treatment, excessively vicious conduct, 2 year separation and voluntary separation for one year. Now Montgomery County Delegate Luiz Simmons wants to add to this list, couples who go a year without having sex. The argument being that forcing couples to live apart for a period places a challenging financial burden upon them “especially if both parties must live in places large enough to accommodate children”

If enacted, the change in the law would enable couples to remain under the same roof during the one year wait for a divorce provided throughout they abstained from sex with each other.

The argument that divorcing couples should not have to live apart beyond any short “cooling off” period before being granted a divorce is not restricted to those across the pond. Last week the Office of National Statistics published the latest figures (2008) on divorce rates in England & Wales. Amongst the findings was that behaviour yet again was relied on the most to prove that a marriage had broken down irretrievably (the single ground for a divorce in England & Wales).

With adultery being the next common factor relied on, the majority of those wanting a divorce decided in 2008 to place the blame for the breakup of their marriage on their spouse. This they did by filing a petition or application for divorce based on allegations of unreasonable behaviour or adultery to prove the irretrievable break down of the marriage rather than wait at least two years to secure a divorce.

Not a new revelation but one that has again encouraged family law practitioners to call for reform to the current divorce law. Resolution is backing a system that would enable couples to divorce within a matter of months, without the need to attribute blame.

It has been argued that a two year cooling off period (in the absence of fault) protects the institution of marriage from quickie divorces or the easy divorce from couples who have merely drifted apart. But as divorcees will know, there is nothing easy about divorce. It is hard work and frequently an extremely demanding and painful experience riddled with complications way beyond the reason for the marriage break down.

As I work with separating and divorcing clients who frequently just want to maintain their self respect and dignity, secure a fair financial settlement, do what is best for their children in the circumstances, amicably resolve differences with their partner and move on with their lives, a divorce process that is fault based can be unnecessarily confrontational and out of step with the direction clients are moving towards. The time for a change has come.

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The value of Sandy and Rob’s house had fallen in the recession. The prospect of acquiring one let alone two alternative homes was no longer possible. My client Rob (a fictional name) feared that, along with the broken marriage, he would lose his job and with it his mortgage capacity. Sandy hadn’t worked in ten years and the cost of child care worried her.

“They started to fight when the money got tight, and they just didn’t count on the tears”are lyrics from the song “Scenes from an Italian Restaurant” by Billy Joel in his 1977 album “The Stranger”. But must it always end in tears? Must differences over scarce and limited financial resources be determined by divorce court room battles?

Not always. Sandy and Rob, along with other separating and divorcing couples are increasingly discovering that there are lawyers and other experts with specialist knowledge and experience of divorce, who offer less destructive dispute resolution processes. One such process is Collaborative Practice.

• It helps couples to create their own individualised solutions to their issues instead of the restricted range of outcomes available in the divorce court system.

• It encourages couples to use their intelligence and energy toward creative problem solving rather than toward recriminations or revenge – fixing the problem rather than fixing the blame.

• It keeps control of decisions about restructuring financial and child rearing arrangements in the hands of the couple and not the Judge.

• It places a premium on the welfare of children and protects them from the harm associated with litigated disputes between parents.

Sandy and Rob, in meetings with their collaborative family lawyers, worked through their fears and emerged with a divorce settlement that would work for them and their family. The collaborative professionals helped them to focus on settling their needs and interests, instead of pursuing their rights and entitlements. Choosing the right process in the beginning can save separating and divorcing couples time, money and tears in the long term.

Billy Joel continues his song “....they got a divorce as a matter of course and they parted the closest of friends”.That ideal may not always be possible but how a couple chooses to divorce can impact them and their children for years to come.

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Collaborative Law is proving to be successful when used by divorcing couples said one of the UK’s most senior judges last week at a meeting of 200 of London's family lawyers (....yes including me)

Lord Kerr of Tonaghmore, a justice in the UK’s new Supreme Court, in giving his backing to collaborative law highlighted that:

"one of the most inspiring facts about it was that 85 per cent of couples who used the collaborative approach had been able to agree an amicable settlement. On any view no further testament to the success of the system is required” (statistics from family lawyers’ group, Resolution).

Lord Kerr went on to tell all of us present that he thought that the collaborative approach – recently used by comedian Robin Williams - was now having a profound impact on matrimonial law. As the Times Online reported, Lord Kerr explained that the essence of the new approach was conciliation, not “victory by one side over the other” or "the vindication of one viewpoint at the expense of an opponent's. Rather the fundamental purpose is to shape a solution to the problems experienced by the parties that not only resolves the immediate dispute, but which will endure to sustain a relationship after the parties have left the stage."

This goal was not just "an incidental side effect of civilised negotiations", he added. "It reflects its centrality to the entire process. It required more than civility and courtesy; it required the mindset that asks: how can we fashion an outcome that was best for all those affected, such as the children, in the dispute.”

Comprehensive information on Collaborative Law can be read on the website of The International Academy of Collaborative Professionals (IACP). In brief, Collaborative Law (sometimes called Collaborative Practice) helps separating and divorcing couples to resolve their differences respectfully, in private and without the threat of court action. The Collaborative process differs from a divorce Court process by retaining control of it with the divorcing couple and not with a judge.

The aim of a Collaborative process is to help separating and divorcing couples to:

- Focus on what are their most important issues, especially children;
- Communicate more effectively throughout the process;
- Lay the foundations for a healthier relationship during and after, the separation or divorce.

At the end of this coming week, some of those same family lawyers from London and other parts of the World (....yes including me) will be attending the 10th Annual Forum of The IACP in Minneapolis, USA.

As the legal profession learns to focus on settlement rather than trial and the Judiciary continues to back out of court processes like Collaborative Law, many more divorcing couples will be able to get through their divorce with their dignity intact, do what is best for their children, come up with fair financial settlements and move on with their lives. 

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Many separating and divorcing couples are decent, well-meaning and intelligent individuals making a very difficult transition in their lives. They find it hard to manage their emotions, co-parent the children involved and fairly address the financial realities. They are not at their best. Rational thought and common sense are frequent casualties of the emotional rollercoaster that follows a separation or divorce. As a result, mistakes are made that later turn into regrets.

During my years of practice as a family and divorce solicitor in Bath, UK, I have seen the following slip-ups that could have been avoided:

1. Rushing ahead or lagging behind

The message behind the Hare and Tortoise fable is that slow and steady wins the race. Whilst neither separation nor divorce is a race, running too fast into a divorce or burying one’s head against it, can exasperate the transition. Much more can be achieved by you working with than apart from your ex.

2. Being unprepared before the jump

During this emotionally stressful time there will be a lot of paperwork and negotiations over them. Divorce is a business transaction, so treat it as such. Be prepared to discuss relevant facts about your financial situation before meeting with your solicitor. Make a detailed account of what you own and owe. Obtain the documentation on your income, expenses, credit card, mortgage, house and other investment information. Knowledge will empower you.

3. Taking legal advice from family and friends

Well-meaning family and friends are emotional rocks to lean on during the rollercoaster of separation and divorce, but they are no substitute for legal advice from a specialist lawyer. Your situation is unique to you as will be the solutions to your issues. The family solicitor you retain knows you and your legal situation better than anyone. You will maximize your results if you listen to your solicitor’s advice.

4. Resorting too soon to litigation

Divorce is not a revenge story and court litigation is rarely a victory. The vast majority of couples can and do settle issues away from the divorce court. More often than not dispute resolution processes such as mediation or collaborative practice fit better the needs and objectives of a couple and can result in the “good divorce”. Do not miss the opportunity to pursue the process that is right for you.

5. Expecting too much or giving away too little

The process will be more positive and cost effective and the legal result more satisfactory if throughout you work with your solicitor to identify and prioritise first, your genuine interests and needs, and secondly, your reasonable legal objectives. Make sure that your settlement aspirations are realistic.

6. Not actively participating in resolving the issues

The only people who are going to be living with the results of your divorce are you and your family. Not your solicitor. Make sure it is you who makes the choices and decisions and that they work for you all.

7. Making agreements without written settlements

The moon can be promised to you by your ex, but without clarification in legal papers, such promises may not hold up in court. Divorce is no time for oral agreements. Talk to your solicitor about how best to make a settlement stick

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