Family Law Collaborative Divorce Blog : Bath Divorce Solicitors : Sharp Family Law : UK Collaborative Law & Family Mediation : Bristol, Swindon & Southern England

Two weeks in the sun sounds fun with the family but can represent a challenge for many separated and divorced parents. Divorce Court Orders frequently provide contact for the annual summer break with the Kids, leaving dates to be agreed between the parents.

When parents can't agree, I and other family law solicitors help to negotiate or mediate arrangements between separated parents or take unresolved disputes back to the Divorce Court for it to dictate where, when and with whom children will be over the summer.

In two blog posts - “Preparing for the Summer” and “Surviving the Summer” Christina McGhee, internationally acclaimed divorce coach and parent educator gives tips on how to ensure the summer sun isn’t overshadowed by family fall outs and legal confrontations. I have drawn out the following three Do’s and Don’ts that I have seen can make the differnce for my clients in Bath & Bristol:

• Do plan early and commit to decisions made - Plan the arrangements for the summer holidays as early as possible. If you commit to doing something make sure it is followed through. Last minute clashes and changes are not easy to resolve. Children need their parents to make decisions and to stick to them

• Do support your child’s contact with the other parent – Be positive about your child spending time with their other parent. Let the children know it is OK with you that they are going away and that you will be OK too whilst they are away. It’s best for kids when both parents can be supportive of their activities and share in their excitement.

• Do help children maintain contact with the other parent – Provide the other parent with contact information and details as to where the children are going to be and who with. Let the children communicate with the other parent whilst away.

And

• Don’t talk through the children - It is tempting to relay information through the children when talking with the ex is difficult. But messaging between households is a burden children shouldn’t have to bear. Make sure you are the one delivering news about trips you are proposing to take and scheduling needs surrounding them.

• Don’t ambush the other parent - When making holiday plans, don’t set the other parent up. “I would really love for you to come with me to Spain, but it’s really up to your Mum to say yes” is neither fair on the child nor Mum. Instead, “A trip abroad would be lots of fun but before we can make plans, I need to talk with Mum to see if we can work out the details.”

• Don’t make your kids pay the price - If you make a decision to foot the holiday bill or move your schedule around to make a trip work, don’t make your kids pay the price. Whilst a trip abroad may be a wonderful experience for the child, it probably won’t be so wonderful for very long if the child has to listen to what Dad did or didn’t do to help. Children do not want to take sides – don’t make them.

And finally …..Conflict is the major cause of unhappiness and poor outcomes for children. Let’s have family fun in the sun this summer by focusing on the needs of children.

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 A divorce may have been contemplated for a while; it’s been on the cards and an unspoken probability. Your children may have sensed that not all was well between their parents. They have overheard talk of a separation and might suspected something is about to happen. But the news that a divorce is going to take place in their family can still come as a great shock to them.

Recently, I received the following from a parent who had decided to tell to his child that Mum and Dad can't live together anymore:  

 I did take our daughter aside last night and asked her mother to come in too. I spoke to her and said ‘all the right things’ but it proved gut wrenchingly miserable – to see her put a brave face on it and allow tears to roll down her face without saying anything other than to ask if we will all be together for Christmas leaves me bereft.

This loving father along with many other mum’s and dad’s never want to cause their children distress. So something as difficult as telling children about parental separation can be a real worry and a painful and difficult event for all. With one in four children in the UK now involved in their parent’s divorce during their childhood this is a situation that I am constantly coming across.

How do I tell our children we are divorcing? Do I tell them individually or all together? What do I tell them and what do I not tell them? Where? When? etc … Help in finding answers to some or all of these questions can increasingly be found from on-line. The following are a couple of websites that my clients have found helpful.

Resolution, is an organisation of 5700 lawyers, who believe in a constructive, non-confrontational approach to family law matters. It has recently added a whole section to its website that provides Advice for parents. Under the heading Supporting your children, it covers Talking to your children about your divorce , How to listen to your children , Managing the negative impact of divorce for children. In other pages you can find key information to help you make a positive difference for your children, as well as details of Resolution's new parent workshops which aim to help parents manage the impact of their divorce or separation for their children.

Divorce coach and parent educator Christina McGhee has a list of tips for talking to your children about divorce on her website and blog.

Further helpful information for parents can also be found on:

• www.oneparentfamilies.org.uk provides information and fact sheets for parents who are separating or parenting apart.
• www.parentlineplus.org.uk provides a range of publications for all parents.
• The Centre for Separated Families has an email advice service dealing with a range of issues

The message that is broadcasted by all of these sites is that children need to be reassured that you will forever be their parents. You will always be their mum or their dad and just because the two of you can no longer live together does not mean that you love them any less. They will always be your children and you will always love them.

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The telephone call was typical of many that I receive as a divorce lawyer at Sharp Family Law based in Bath, UK. After 12 years of marriage and a disastrous summer holiday with their two young daughters, which had not been helped by the unpredictable English weather, Ruth and Alex were separating. Ruth had called to make the appointment and after we had agreed on the arrangements, I encouraged her to elaborate on why it was that she wanted to see me.

Ruth’s call wasn’t a whim. It had followed months of uncertainty, confusion and fear, a summer holiday to get through, for the sake of the children, and the new school year to prepare for and organise. Ruth was worried about Alex’s reaction to a separation, could he cut her off without a penny, would he take the children and run, should she take pre-emptory action?.

As I heard her anxieties and ever increasing “what if’s”, I realised that Ruth and Alex had all the familiar ingredients for a volatile and bitter divorce that would not only financially and emotionally cost them hugely, but also affect their children. How easy it was going to be for their children to get caught in the middle of the emotional and business complications that their parents were going through. The one thing Ruth said that I hoped would ring true was that she and Alex loved their children and wanted to put them first even though their marriage was coming apart.

Putting children first is a common goal of many separating and divorcing parents. But it can often get lost in the web of complicated emotions triggered by a broken relationship and exasperated by a court battle. 

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